Chaos is No Longer Cute
Abandoned Factory, Gainesville Texas.
My boss of 16 years was fired last Friday. I think I know why, but working remotely, I feel like a horse with blinders. Those things are supposed to reduce panic, right? For me, they enhance it.
I can't see the emotional landscape of the company, beyond my closest coworkers. I know I do good work, and I also know the higher-ups could decide to outsource everything we do. It's an awkward feeling, at 60. Too soon to retire, too old to job hunt. Limbo.
I haven't told my kids or my mother. I don't want to worry them. There's nothing they could do about it, anyway, and to be honest I don't want to hear my mother's strategizing.
I would like to work full-time for my employer for another 5 years. That would be enough. A reasonable goal, yes? It's exactly what my goal was when I was hired, back in 2010. Stay for five years, I told myself. Even when it all feels like boring bullshit, stay. Your kids need you to do that. You need to show the world that you can do that. You're not in your 20s anymore, and chaos is no longer cute. And so I did. I survived my boss' nuttiness, as she went through a divorce (an intermediate boss, between me and the one who was just fired). I had several other in-between bosses before I convinced the global director that I should just report to her. We've had that relationship for a decade, now, and it's over before I'm ready for it to be over.
I have made myself valuable, and I'm much more agreeable than my ex-boss was. If anyone can survive, I can. Will I? I don't know.
If I lose my job, I'd have to sell the house, and if I do that, I'm not burning the profit on rent until I'm broke again. I would retire early, to the Philippines, where I can live on that money until I'm ready to file for Social Security. And if Mom is still alive, she'd have to come with us. Wherever I end up, she follows.
She'd hate moving overseas. I wouldn't enjoy it with her, either, so I'd buy her a separate house next to mine. She has no one else. No spouse, no friends, just Facebook and CNN and games with micro transactions that she's addicted to. Is it wrong to wish it was over? When Dad died after suffering with cancer for two years, I was relieved. When Mom dies, I'll be stuck dealing with all her crap: an apartment garage full, and an apartment full, and none of it anyone wants. Her death will just mean more work and expense for me; a broken lease to pay off, cleanup, remains.
I don't want to have a funeral for her. She wants me to ask our ex pastor to do it, but he doesn't know her, and it would be ridiculous for me to ask. He hasn't even lived in this state for five years. He has a different life, now.
She wants to be placed in an urn on my father's marker. The cemetery doesn't allow that, but I haven't told her. I don't need the friction. Let her think what she likes. I'll scatter her ashes at a pretty beach in Luzon. Nobody would visit her grave, regardless. She and her sister don't talk anymore. Nobody visits their mother's grave, either. Is DNA destiny?
I've kept my dreams for old age simple: Don't be a burden on the kids. Have as much of an adventure as I can handle. Keep learning stuff. Keep hanging out with good people. Keep making art. Sleep, and be content.