Just One Game
Soda Machine, Farmersville TX.
I've had insomnia for two weeks. I go to bed at a normal time, wake up two hours later, and can't get back to sleep for another four hours. In the last week I've nearly dozed off at red lights more than once. It's pissing me off, and it's scaring me.
I tried half a dose of Tylenol PM. The sleep ingredient is diphenhydramine, one of the few over-the-counter options that doesn't spike my blood pressure. It did nothing for me at 2 a.m. and just made me dopier the next day.
I tried staying up to a normal bedtime without napping after dinner, and I struggled. Even a walk didn't hold me. I'd come back, put YouTube on the TV, and be out on the couch soon after, which, on a full stomach, is its own bad idea.
Last night after dinner I felt the tug. 8:30 p.m. Too early. I'd wake at midnight, be up till 4, and be screwed the entire next day. My wife, who works retail, was already passed out on the couch. I needed something stimulating, maybe even irritating, that wasn't caffeine, or I wasn't going to break the cycle.
Well... what about chess? That regularly pisses me off.
No, no. I don't want to fall into that trap again.
Yeah, sure, but you wouldn't be playing to win, or even to improve. You'd be playing to stay awake. Losing doesn't matter. Learning doesn't matter. You can lose every damn game for the same damn reason. You just need to stay up another three hours so you can sleep till 7 a.m. like a normal God damn human being. That's your victory.
But... I wrote blog posts about quitting. They made sense. I was sincere.
A blog post is not a binding contract, dipshit. It's a journal.
Yeah, but...
Okay, fine. Fall asleep on the couch again. Burp stomach acid onto your esophagus till the burns give you a tumor. See if I care.
Jesus. Okay. One game.
[SpongeBob French narrator: THREE HOURS LATER]
That... worked. I can take a shower and go to bed now.
[Looks both ways. Pulls up game history: won 2 of 3.]
"Winning doesn't matter. I made it to 11:30. I'm good."
I actually believed that when I said it.