Two Months without Chess
Ahh... banality.
I look at the warm, cream-colored face of my watch and think: I have survived the withdrawal phase. The app isn't on my phone, and I no longer launch a game on a separate system when a web meeting drags on.
I have alternatives — writing, photography, karate — but they all have friction: setup time, or they look insane on a work call. Chess... man, it was just click and I'm instantly connected with another obsessive weirdo, the classic Star Trek combat music starts, and I have to pay careful attention or I'm a stain on the checkered board.
Why did I have to quit? Couldn't I just moderate my playing? Play three games a day, no more?
No. I couldn't. I'd last a day or two, then spiral: too many games, exhaustion, rage, self-loathing, rinse and repeat. Some people shouldn't drink. I shouldn't play online chess.
I remember one of my last games: A guy was beating me, and near the end he screwed up and I won. He typed in the chat "You got lucky," and while I normally ignore chats, I typed back, "No, you screwed up. There is no luck in chess." And while this is 100% correct, it is also 100% not helpful.
Poking back like that probably put him into a shame spiral. Those things suck. Think Hitler getting rejected by art school, twice — the second time, after working on his figure drawing deficiencies for a year. "Herr Hitler, Please go do something people without any real skills do, like... we dunno... politics? Best, Vienna Academy of Fine Arts."
The real test, though, will be my 24 hours of travel from here to Manila, early next year. (It will be about 20 hours in planes and 4 hours of layover). Playing a bunch of online chess then would be completely reasonable. Certainly no worse than playing solitaire or reading a book or chatting up my seat mate. Right?
Yeah... right up until I'm surprised by a queen-bishop checkmate, yell FUCK, and huck my iPad into first class, like the world's most expensive throwing star. Then I'm getting zip-tied by airport security and deported.
I bet the airport security rooms in our layover city, Seoul, are painted seafoam green, or maybe pink. Soothing colors. More soothing than cream.