Why can't I quit chess?
Christmas Lights, Aubrey TX.
I get angry, close my account, and a day later create a new one. I don't want to keep doing this. I feel shame each time I do it, like I've fished half a cigarette out of the trash a day after quitting.
I know the mechanics of it. I know how intermittent reward works, and I'm not a fucking pigeon in a Skinner box. If I wanted to quit, I could. Boredom outweighs memory, and I try again, and I hate myself for doing so.
Why can't I quit chess? Because I want to show it that it's not better than me. Because I want to crush the souls of these faceless strangers who are, in reality, just being generous enough to play a board game with me. But I can’t see that. I don’t see people. I see a single black cloud of shame, lit from inside by tiny sparks of mockery and rage.